Family Treasures.

I am one of those lucky people who have had the blessing of enjoying their grandparents well into their thirties, and hopefully until later on still. 

Having grandparents around has formed many of my opinions and stances in life, has given me a different take on history, sacrifices, resilience and family relationships. Their wisdom, beliefs, sometimes a bit outdated but so real, their hard work, their memories.

Their hands. Hands that used to make their own food, wine, olive oil, tomato sauce, made their own clothes, built and repaired everything, from watches to cars to their own houses. Hands that to this day help my own children picking cherry tomatoes from their plants. Stories of home births, friendships, respect, family bonds, lands, money, passions, shootings, war cutting through their own memories.

The stories of my great grandma, grandmother of my mother, who woke up every morning at 5am and walked up and down hills, whose long grey hair were tied up in a perfect bun every morning, whose piercing blue eyes had seen and lived through so much. Those same blue eyes that a hundred and thirteen years later came back in my second son. Her husband had fought in the first and second world war, twice came back, last time deaf, his hearing lost to the deafening noise of flying airplanes. I had the luxury to hold her hands until I was twenty one. I have very clear memories of hot summer visits to her house, I used to open the door, call her name while running up the stairs, then sit with her, or help her make bread, her bed, water her plants. She always had money for her grandchildren, so we could buy ice cream, more like fifty ice creams truth be told. Jumping around her when she went to pick up her own salad in her field and let me go with her, the simple acts can be the greatest source of happiness for children. Her rabbits, feeding them with her gave me one of the happiest memories I still nurse. She was so calm and still, I loved being around her. Her name was Venera, that too I loved.

The downside of having great grandparents is of course seeing them going. The last summer she was with us I sat there with her holding her tired hands, she was 98, still independent and doing well, she was afraid she told me, she knew she had to go. 

I have never been able to see them and enjoy them as much as I would have wanted due to distances, I remember crying loud as a child at the end of every summer when the time came to say goodbye. We did everything possible to see them often and they came to visit often, but to me, it never felt enough. 

Clear memories of my grandfather on my father`s side come back too. He had so many stories of his youth, so much passion for his family and was so keen for us all cousins, children of his six children, to play together and stay together, keep in touch through life, he built something close to a family residence in order for us to be able to see each other as often as possible, mostly in the summer, gave houses to all his six children, land to all and gifted his family with land too out of fraternity and generosity. He raised his children with his wife with the strongest love and fraternity bonds that to this day I have ever witnessed in siblings. I remember my grandma's happiness and how she laughed when she put my baby brother in my old father's walker, it was an ancient model with no seat and my brother's chubby wobbly legs scrambled. He was not happy, she picked him up, laughed more, conforted him. I watched her being happy. I used to walk with her in her backyard, we picked berries, she showed me plants. I remember her smile and her insuline syringes. Sadly I was six when she went, too soon. The legacy behind however lives on. The four brothers and one sister of my father would do anything for each other. Their parents gave always the highest importance to family bonds. Grandpa was so in love with his wife, until well after she was gone, over ten years later, he spoke about how beautiful she was and how much he loved her. It was an early lesson of what I wished for in my own relationship. He had deep respect for his friends and his closest friend, the Count of his town, until the last year he lived he insisted on visiting the only daughter of his long gone friend, who by then was in her late 60ies and had no children, living mostly in London and returning to the family lands only once a year. He was there to visit her as he had promised his friend, her father, he would be there for her. 

At five years old I remember insisting on cutting a biscuit with a knife, for some reason I got away with trying and ended up slicing my finger. I remember to this day the warm touch of my grandma who held my bandaged finger till I fell asleep. Mums have no time for that, as a mum now, I know that well. But grandparents do. They infuse that patience and calm and love in children that no one else can match. The patience and care of my grandpa taking me to his lands to pick nuts and figs as a child, my little tantrums and their smiles. The little hand-made baskets I was given, the simple soothing things they would do for their grandchildren.

I feel sad in a way that due to the fact that many of us are having children later in life a whole generation will somehow miss out on being a young grandparent and the next generation will miss out on the invaluable treasure grandparents can be. Yes, we live longer, but no one is getting younger.

All of the above was possible thanks to the fact that my grandma married her ten years older husband at seventeen and had a baby, my mum, almost immediately, my own mother had me at twenty-five, and then off I went and only sat at thirty-two years old, seven months pregnant, in a birth class of first time mums where I was the youngest woman. 

The downside of my invaluable memories with my grandparents is seeing them aging and having had to say good bye once I had got to know them well. Seeing them dealing with the brutally miserable aging process. Losing their strength, losing some of their memories. A part of you goes, at the same time they live in you, but they are no longer there and every time the memory comes back, it stings.

Over the past few years I have done what I could to bridge distances. I have two grandparents left, and I treasure them. I have been flying my grandma over to visit us twice a year, visited whenever I could, face-timed, with my brother we massaged their tired shoulders, played cards, sat with them, asked them of their past. To bridge distances and my own guilt for not being closer this year I bought massage devices and sent massage therapists. Spent sleepless nights going through pictures of the past 90 years, together with my mother, to prepare the album of his entire life for my grandpa's 90th birthday. Fearing I would not make it as his health started to deteriorate 5 weeks before his big birthday. Some of his memories are gone. I was holding his hand on Easter Monday, relieved that despite the last few tough weeks he is doing better. His mind still works and memories are there but some are faltering. He recognises me, but asked me where do I live now. "Ah, I have a granddaughter who lived in England and now lives in Switzerland, works for a big company, my wife knows everything about her". Grandpa who is she I ask? Is it me you are talking about? "Ohhh yes of course it is you!". Somehow the memory doesn't overlap with the person at all times. Our minds are incredible places. Class 1927, he was the first boy in his town to complete higher education, helped me with mathematics homework during my long summer holidays, had a precise engineering job, could calculate faster than anyone I knew. Now memories are unclear. I pray he will recover most of his health but time is ticking and I cherish my own memories, grateful of the gems I have been given, wishing for my children and for the next generation to learn the same love and respect for our family treasures, for our past, for History.

M. 

What's your inner pace?

Last summer I was invited to a talent development offsite,  'women fit for success'. I very much enjoy and applaude these programmes and investments on the company's talents, but I do wonder whether tailoring programmes specifically for women doesn't make the problem of gender equality in the workplace even worse.

Nevertheless, I pack my overnight bag and off I go. The whole two days programme was very interesting, one thing in particular has hit a nerve, the pace calculator exercise. 

After a short networking lunch on day 2, that followed an intense morning and an even more packed day 1, we are asked to stand up from our chairs and start walking in circles around the room, following the pace that the workshop leader would indicate. 

Mentally I wonder 'Seriously, with all the emails piling up in my inbox, my endless to do list, why are we doing this random exercise now?' It took fifteen minutes before realisation hit home and I saw how important is my inner pace, at any given time of the day, and how I could make that work to my benefit. 

So we keep walking in circles, slowly, then fast, then very fast trying to avoid collision with the other twenty ladies, then almost running, then very slowly, then we are asked to choose our pace and keep walking. 

My pace of choice that afternoon after lunch, from 1 to 5, where 1 is slowly walking as if you are admiring art in a museum and 5 is rushing for the train in heels, was 2/3. I felt uncomfortable with 4 and 5, almost annoyed, and so I did with 1 and 2. 

How would my mind and body perform when forced out of their natural pace in a particular moment?

Sunday walks.  

Following the whereabouts of the youngest driver in the house. 

Being a 'morning person' I know that would I have done the same exercise at 9am through to 12pm, I would have gone for 4 or even 5, at 5pm to 8pm probably as well, but after lunch? My mind needs focus and slow pace, as much as it needs adrenaline in the morning and early evening. Your 'inner pace' can also change depending on the time of the year, after a regenerating holiday you would probably choose a pace 5 throughout the day as much as after a long year and a particularly tiring patch (erm) you would probably want to hide under the duvet, no I meant choose a pace 1/2 more often.

Our take away, you have guessed it, was to learn to tailor our days, workload, tasks, based on our personal natural pace. Not that often we are given the choice (hello 1pm meetings) but knowledge and self awareness always make you score higher.

M.

Walking down the Zurich lake on a Sunday in October during a 'pace 1' afternoon, reminded me of the funny picture below someone shared with me. 

On and Off the (Hedonic) Treadmill

I love May. It is normally a warm month in this part of the world, and in all the countries I have lived so far, Italy, UK, Switzerland, normally comes with a few bank holidays.

That long weekend and bank holiday Mondays that we are all looking forward to. Normally these long weekends follow a wonderfully sunny week and are kicked off by majestic storms, or even better, snowstorms. Last week we were playing in the garden in a T-shirt, come the weekend and we are looking for our snowsuits once again in the back of the wardrobe.

 I bet though, if most of us were to be asked what each bank holiday represents and why we celebrate, probably only a small percentage of us would be able to answer. Personally I had to look up on Google one too many bank holidays and celebrations this year and started wondering what it is and why do we forget? 

It is in our nature, we tend to take for granted a lot of what our grandparents and ancestors fought and died for. We do it as populations, and we do it as individuals in everyday life.

Every time we buy a new gadget, we experience something new or reach a goal, after the early euphoric moments we often quickly go back to a state of almost bored indifference or at best to a relatively stable level of happiness.   

This attitude has a scientific name: hedonic adaptation, or hedonic treadmill.

 Normally a yet more expensive gadget, a more intense adrenaline rush or a new goal achieved are never the solution that leads to a magic state of happiness. The risk is to be stuck on said treadmill.

Over two thousand years ago, stoicism followers, thought they had found an answer. The likes of Seneca, Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus, used to apply a very efficient technic against hedonic adaptation.

Negative visualizations.

We have long known that "gratefulness" plays a big role for our happiness, the success of the "5 Minutes Journal" books and App leverages exactly this dynamic. But while books and applications these days ask you to list or focus on the positives of our lives, stoics went a tad farther and daily imagined their lives without the people, the objects, the job, the little luxuries they most treasured.

Without going that far and becoming stressed or obsessed, I find the above a theory worth remembering.

“The hedonic treadmill, also known as hedonic adaptation, is the supposed tendency of humans to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes. According to this theory, as a person makes more money, expectations and desires rise in tandem, which results in no permanent gain in happiness. […] During the late ’90s, the concept was modified […] to refer to the hedonic treadmill theory which compares the pursuit of happiness to a person on a treadmill, who has to keep working just to stay in the same place”.

If more things/more money does not equal happiness, though, we should start challenging the paradigm: owning more things/earning more money is not necessarily positive.

A paradigm is, by definition, something you don’t challenge: a good example is the idea that more is good for you (on a larger perspective, the idea that an economy should tend to growth – but how sustainable is that?). In order to have more, you have to spend more. To spend more, you have to earn more money. Our purpose in life, though, should be happiness and balance.

I am "guilty" of running on that treadmill like everyone else, but find that being aware of where I stand daily is a big help to guide my day and my choices. When I am running too fast and realize that, contrary to the name of this website and for how much I try, I do not always own the way I live, I slow down and try to look at the bigger picture, at the kilometres run and those ahead.

When in doubt, stop and challenge yourself and the status quo.

Google asked a large sample of people whether they liked driving. All of them said they did, and went on to try Google`s new self-driving cars. 97% of those who had said they loved driving said they actually liked more being driven.

So are we really doing what we like, and liking what we are doing or we just like the idea of it all but would probably happily do differently?

“I’ll just say this, you’ll feel like Neo from the Matrix. Once you swallow the red pill of simplicity and see the hedonic treadmill at work, you’ll never want to go back.” (Eric LaForest / Elevated Simplicity).

“Morpheus: […] Let me tell you why you’re here. You’re here because you know something. What you know you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I’m talking about?
Neo: The Matrix.
Morpheus: Do you want to know what it is?
Neo: Yes.
Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work… when you go to church… when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else you were born into bondage. Into a prison that you cannot taste or see or touch. A prison for your mind”.

…Which will it be then? Red pill or blue pill?

Happy Monday! ;-)

 M.

Pressure and productivity

I am constantly amazed when I go into meetings and am the only person taking notes, and then converting these into actions on to-do lists. It’s how I get things done. If you don’t write things down, you will have forgotten them before you leave the room. We could never have achieved a tenth of what we’ve achieved without systematic lists and actions. R.Branson

These days on most days, I have two recurring words in mind to describe how I feel. Happy. Exhausted. Some evenings once the kids are in bed, the priority items on to do lists are ticked off, the house looks decent and everything is ready for the next day, we sit there and wonder how on earth were we able to achieve and get so much done in one day. Normally this feeling lasts 3 minutes, because some memory, normally from the working day, will hit and we will immediately think “Gosh I have so much work to do!”

 Only now, some memories of my childhood come back. I recall my mother in the evenings after work while my brother and I were still running around or demanding something, often saying “It never ends, days should have 48 hours”. I hear you now, mum, I do. Even with house help and childcare, even with our families often sharing the load, days are loaded and at the end of the day we are left with zero energy.

At the same time, we have never had more enthusiasm for all the projects we are running, at work and in our private life, energy to play like kids with our children, interest for more, better and new things. And, we realize every day, we have never in our life been more productive. If in the past I needed a week to recover from a nasty flu, in the past three years, since becoming a parent, I have had to learn to recover in no time and normally while looking after a demanding little person. We have learnt to cope with little sleep which means we have learnt to make a 10 minutes break a real battery charger.

There are pros and cons about life under pressure for sure, but one big advantage is productivity.

I have learnt, and many like me who are living the same adventure on the same lane, to maximize every minute of my day. I have long moved away from “Outlook slots”, not every meeting needs to take one hour or activity needs to last multiple of 15 minutes. At work I often set up meetings of 45 minutes if I can choose. I use any 10-15 minutes commute to listen to podcasts about topics I want to hear about. I have a list of people, TED talks, blogs, sites and online papers that I run through every day and plan for the week what to read or listen to.

Over Easter while in Germany my mother-in-law asked how I have been doing and how I am coping with the current pace and load, given I seem “relaxed” (perhaps she meant “aged”...?? I said I think am actually fairly relaxed indeed…and thinking back I probably can give three reasons for that, the children are a daily exercise for improving patience and prioritizing, I have now for 4 years practiced regularly shiatsu and meditation (and I cannot recommend both enough) and last year I had a big reality check when one of my closest childhood friends suddenly died of cancer at 35, leaving her husband and 18 months old behind.  Of course I also have days when I would like to climb the Himalaya or any hill nearby and just sit there in peace and silence…

While I plan, have multiple to do lists, use pockets of time to check items off or to relax. I also block hours, half days or days sometimes where I block the world out and exist only for family, or for myself, trying to keep it flexible when possible as I have learnt the hard way that viruses from nursery school have not yet heard of my to do lists…

About to do lists.

“Writer Kevin Kruse recently claimed that to-do lists are a ‘waste of time’. He suggested that they make people more stressed, and only 41 per cent of items on to-do lists are completed.

The crucial part of a to-do list is in the name – you need to actually DO the things on your list. The act of writing your tasks and thoughts down is useful in and of itself, as it helps to organise your thoughts and give you focus. However, if you then ignore your own advice and don’t follow up, the lists will lose most of their power. Quite often you will only do 50 per cent of things on to-do lists because, on reflection, only 50 per cent are worth doing. But by putting things on lists it will help clarify what’s worth doing and what’s worth dropping.” Read more about to do lists in this post. 

What is your experience for a balanced life? When have you been at your most productive? What has helped to make you a better person and to live well with yourself?

M.

Why do we work so hard?

'Why? One possibility is that we have all got stuck on a treadmill. Technology and globalisation mean that an increasing number of good jobs are winner-take-most competitions. Banks and law firms amass extraordinary financial returns, directors and partners within those firms make colossal salaries, and the route to those coveted positions lies through years of round-the-clock work.

Our social networks are made up not just of neighbours and friends, but also of clients and colleagues. This interlaced world of work and social life enriches us, exposing us to people who do fascinating things, keeping us informed of professional gossip and providing those who have good ideas with the connections to help turn them into reality.'

https://www.1843magazine.com/features/why-do-we-work-so-hard

M.

Second to none

I had been living in Switzerland for about a week when I first heard the gut-wrenching term “secondo”.  Technically it refers to the children of the immigrants who moved to Switzerland in the 50ies and 60ies, who even if born here are not Swiss but “secondos”, ie, second generation immigrants.

Unlike in the US and in many countries in Europe, no “foreigner” who is born here is Swiss, they will be able to apply for passport and citizenship once they are 18, just like any foreigner who moves here later in life and can apply for citizenship after 12 years.  That means you have people in their 50ies who have lived here their whole life, native speakers, people who have nowhere else to call home, who actually are not Swiss citizens nor passport holders.  Some do have a passport. Many don`t and many refuse to get one because they disagree with the system. I have seen this only too often.

In practice, this term implies somehow “second best”. As if we are sitting in the center of the world here. So we have the “Swiss-Swiss” and the non Swiss, secondos, immigrants, expats & co.

Last time I had heard of a similar two-class society it was in secondary school on my history book when a certain movement born in Germany in the 30ies started to refer to a part of the “original” population as “Aryan race”. We know how far that concept went.

An episode of last week is a clear example of the status quo. We are planning the refurbishment of our house and have been talking to a few builders. One in particular, who introduces himself as a “secondo”, Italian origin - although when talking to him I have to suppress the urge to correct him - is worth mentioning.  At the end of the meeting for some reason we mention that one of my cousins is a great architect. She lives and works in Italy, is a university professor, has a master degree and various post university degrees, works for beautiful projects around the globe. His reaction: “oh, I have been looking for a secretary; you can tell her if she is interested.”

So perhaps I am wrong but is he thinking that because she is A- Italian (happily) living and having a very successful career in Italy as an architect and B – a woman, she would be interested in a job as the secretary of a builder in Switzerland (who with all due respect has never seen a university classroom)? Never mind that she is the actual expert. Incredible how some secondos bring wrong concepts forward.

Probably no need to comment further on this one.

There are hundreds of studies that show how key is for companies to have a diverse workforce, not just in terms of nationality, religion and the likes, but also in terms of diversity of thought, experience and mindset. Indicators point to clear economic benefits and better environment for companies that score high on the diversity front.

If this is true for companies, I am fairly sure it applies to societies and families too.

Let us do ourselves a favour and drop this daunting and nerve-wrecking “secondo” term.

I will tell my children that the fact that they live and breathe three cultures and are native speakers in three languages is a big asset, not a liability. They are Europeans, they are world citizens, they have an international family and background, they were born here because they come from educated parents who could have lived anywhere in the world and chose to live here mostly for logistics reasons after having travelled the world and lived in different countries. I will tell my kids to think hard before ever judging people based on the place of birth and on stereotypes.

I will tell them to travel the world, to live abroad, to ask and challenge the status quo, to ask why, always. To fear, if anything, ignorance, to fight prejudice and dangerous stereotypes.   

I will tell my kids to check out people's brains, not nationalities, places of birth or skin colour. 

M.

Don't expect to see a change if you don't make one

Increasingly we have seen media coverage on initiatives celebrating the strength of women, the resilience of mothers, the importance of time off for fathers and the importance of a healthy life balance to better perform, and to achieve an "integrated" work life equation. 

At last! We have come a long way from the previous generation, from the previous decade and actually, from 18 months ago, come to think of it. 2015 has been a very important year for topics related to diversity, gender equality and health versus productivity.

In 2015 HBR's ranking of CEOs has for the first time considered how companies score not only on the hard numbers, but also on "soft" facts (ESG performance) "In the past, our ranking was based exclusively on hard stock market numbers. We looked at total shareholder return, as well as the change in each company’s market capitalization. We liked the fact that the ranking was based solidly on data and not on reputation or anecdote. Yet it also felt incomplete, because it failed to account for the many aspects of leadership that go beyond mere market performance. And so this year we’ve tweaked things. We’ve added to the mix a measurement of each company’s environmental, social, and governance (ESG) performance."

We have seen many financial institutions jumping into the growing trend of socially responsible investing and best of all State Street launching a diversity gender balanced fund , which will track an index comprising companies that do a great job at advancing women through gender diversity on their boards of directors and in management in general. We have seen extensive research that shows that companies with gender-diverse leadership tend to outperform long-term companies that don’t so I am surprised these funds are only starting to emerge.

Bloomberg has set up a new team of journalists and analysts covering the topic diversity.

The ex Norway Prime Minister was interviewed and asked about the reasons behind the success of her country (beyond the obvious oil related wealth) as in the 80s Norway was nowhere close to where it is now, its economy weak and common people barely able to afford decent living. "Success comes from the fact that you see fathers pushing strollers at 3 pm on a working day" she said. "What has changed in these 30 years are family politics and work culture. Retaining talented women in the workforce, giving family benefits and allowing fathers to be fathers and workers without stigma. Shorter working days and flexible working, which results into creative and flexible thinking".

There is McKinsey research on how and why "Women matter" and the latest Mercer report "When women thrive businesses thrive" being presented at the WEF last week and discussed by the CEOs of Cisco, eBay, Marriot and the president of UBS Wealth Management, Jürg Zeltner: "One other thing we all found common ground on was retaining talented women. They leave the workforce after you’ve invested and trained them as many find that workplaces are not family-friendly. Our challenge is to keep them and make the workplace flexible and supportive of their needs and priorities."

So there is all the progress being made just cited above, the daily strong commitment of many of us to raise awareness on the challenges women face and to bring positive change in the world. All of it is still probably only a drop in the ocean but change is happening out there.

Out there.

Then there is me, and I know that like me many other women and working mothers at times have a similar behaviour.

Rewind of two weeks, Monday 11 January, 6am. My husband and I are getting ready for work, kids still – thankfully – asleep. My phone rings. Terror (not quite, but close...). Our current Monday babysitter's little child is sick so she won't be able to come today. And it is of course no problem, it happens. However, a well known feeling that I merrily refer to as "the cold –spine" starts taking over. We quickly and frantically go through our blackberries, our plan in these cases is to take half day off each to look after whichever child is at home, aim is to cancel the half day which would result in the lower damage for the rest of the week. We decide that I stay at home in the morning with our 9 months old baby, dialling in for a couple of meetings, and my husband stays at home in the afternoon, also dialling in when he needs. I let my boss know, who very nicely and empathically confirms it is no problem at all (she has been there too). I tell my colleagues and team. On we go with the plan. At 11 am my baby is happily playing on his mat babbling away while I dial in for an internal meeting. I dial in and immediately go on mute. I barely comment and step in only quickly for fear that someone might hear my baby gurgling cheerfully in the background. Why did I do that? Even if anyone heard the baby chuckle, so what? They all knew where I was and why. I am not that junior or young any more or shy or lacking self confidence. So why did I try and hide the fact that as a working mum this too can be part of my life and it is really no big deal, in fact, hat off really for pushing through and balancing it all??!

Fast-forward to 4pm. The above nearly forgotten and not even yet properly processed. I have now been in the office for a couple of hours and my husband at home for 2 hours and taken as well a (video) call. I call him asking how the afternoon is going. "Oh great actually! Baby M. was sitting on my lap during my call, they loved him and he behaved really well."

No need to comment, I think these two episodes speak for themselves. Perhaps I will add that I am proud of how my husband handled the situation and a little less proud of how I did not stand up to my ideals.

So here is my lesson learnt and a better version of myself has come out of it.

Change, real change, starts from us and from how we expect the world to view us. We all have a lot more responsibility and impact on driving change than we often think.

M.

Editing Life. Less Means Luxury.

History. As a student I always wondered why during history classes we were focusing so much on dates and battles and who won what piece of land, and less, or zero, on the effect all those terrible events had on people and their habits. What effects did the Second World War have on our grandparents' lifestyle and life choices?

What are people likely to do after a decade of poverty and deprivation? What will they be keen to run after once the economy starts growing again and while the difficult memories of the past are still vivid in their minds? Buy. Stock up. Splurge. Own things. Just for the sake of being able to do it in most cases. We have probably all had someone in the family that after any world tragedy suggests to go raid the local supermarket, just in case the shops run out of food?

Is it a coincidence that post second world war, in a time where - my grandparents tell me – unlike today, white bread was for the wealthy and brown bread for the poor, where people struggled to have decent meals, we had curvy women as icons of beauty? Sophia Loren came right out of that time. She represented the new rich, embodying redemption from years of hunger. Fast forward 50 years, as a teenager I remember only too well wondering why on earth anorexic, bony ladies a là Kate Moss were considered beauty icons. Because we had and could afford anything and had access to great amounts of food, so we iconized what we could not have easily. Add a decade and the advent of the internet as main distributor of quick knowledge (Dr. Google anyone?) and we all are experts when it comes to healthy eating and healthy icons. The Romans had it right all along with their "mens sana in corpore sano" a two thousand-year-old statement. Are we now in a much happier and balanced place and able to edit our own life because of the Internet? Somehow I guess we are.

One of the factors that fueled the prosperity of the Fifties was the increase in consumer spending. The US first and shortly after Europe, enjoyed a standard of living that had never been seen before. In a decade many women across Europe went from hand-washing in rivers to owning a washing machine and being able to hire domestic help.

Spending patterns changed overnight. The adults of the Fifties had grown up in conditions of economic deprivation, first due to the general poverty following World War I and then due to the rationing of consumer goods of World War II. During WWII, much of Europe`s productive capacity shifted to armaments. Everything from sugar to gasoline to tires to nylon stockings was rationed. When consumer goods became available again, people wanted to spend.

How many times have I heard my own grandmother saying that the reason why she has been for so long a devoted boutique client since the day the first one opened in her neighbourhood is due to the fact that while growing up there was no such a thing as buying new clothes: post WWII going to the tailor for new clothes was a yearly much awaited occasion. Her wardrobe is three times mine now and I am probably being conservative. Her generation has witnessed the shift from a production society, focused on meeting basic needs, to a consumption society, which emphasizes customers' wants.  

We are now experiencing the next logical – and opposite - step, what has the manic consumerism of the past 50 years led to? Books like All You Need is Less (Madeleine Somerville) or The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying: a simple, effective way to banish clutter forever (Marie Kondo) have been best-sellers from the first day they hit Amazon, or the local bookshop if you are the classical type.

How much money do we spend on storage space? In Milan renting a couple of square meters for storage costs nearly two thousand euros a year, the monthly salary of a high school teacher. These storage buildings, picturesquely called La Casa delle Cose (The house of things) in Italy,  are popping up everywhere, leveraging on the attachment that we have for our "stuff" and the difficulty we have to get rid of it, to let go of our "possessions".

Since having kids we have often had family visiting. My very personal challenge is not so much getting rid of our own clutter, that I gladly do and a red carpet awaits me at our local second-hand shop every time I go to donate bags of "stuff", but in pushing back on daily presents for the kids, on the amount of clothes and various items that everyone visiting our house seems to be forgetting here. Either because they are flying back somewhere and cannot take liquids back or because they bought so much during their visit that their previous belongings do not fit anymone in their suitcase(s) ("is that OK if I pick it up when I come back in 12 months?") or because they think it is easier to leave entire suitcases of clothes and assorted items in the various places they visit. Especially in my house and in that irresistible one wardrobe I try to leave half empty for guests.

One way or the other, we are all slowly realizing that our own possessions are quickly taking over our life and costing us money, time, space – mental and physical. I now consider luxury and status symbol a half empty wardrobe. Do we own our possessions or do they own us? How do we get back on track and afford opposite luxuries than our post-war grandparents?

Watch this funny TedTalk on the topic "Less Stuff More Happiness".

M.

Mindset shifts

A short post today about one of the most important topics being currently discussed in our world: the future of the workforce.

Change is happening. It`s a matter of how much and how long some of us will resist to it. Neither economies nor businesses want to be the next Kodak. Who wants to miss out on progress?

More on the topic soon!

M.

Childcare and the privilege of pressure

This time it was all planned. This time we were going to have everything organized and taken care of.

This second time my return to work post maternity leave was going to be smooth. Considering we were about to start new jobs, it had to be. We had it all sorted. It took 10 months to plan. It lasted one day.

In Switzerland maternity leave allowance is normally three months. Yes a “generous” three months. In my company the allowance available is exceptionally up to six months. The average EU mother has and takes 12 months leave, considering countries like Germany where parental leave is up to 3 years, although most mothers take 10-12 months, countries like Italy and the UK where it`s normally 1 year and countries like Spain where it`s around 6 months.  And considering countries which are 100 years ahead like the Nordics where parental leave can be shared, fathers can take 3 months off without stigma, flexible working is a reality and not a career killer and results are not based on face time, childcare is available, high level and affordable for everyone. 

Per se Switzerland´s 3 – 6 months would not even be too extreme if the support network around parents and childcare arrangements were functioning well or in some cases existed at all. If mothers and fathers who decide to invest in their careers had it a tad easier, going back to work a few weeks after birth would be possible without major headaches. In a country where nursery schools are mainly private (unless you fall under a certain income threshold, and only about 10-15% of the population does, in that case you could apply for one of the few subsidized nursery places, well before you plan to get pregnant), where the 0 – 5 care is fully and only up to the parents, it is not a surprise that only 25% of the women return to work after the first child, and less after child number two. 

The childcare bill is on the high end, come June, when our second son will start nursery, we will have a monthly CHF 6000 bill only for two nursery schools, 7.30 to 6pm, and we are not in the most expensive school. No, it is not in line with average salaries, it is well above, this the reason why mothers in the workforce are so scarce in full time or executive roles. The same goes for the majority of the working parents we know, mostly affluent or above, and still. That does not include a possible nanny to help with late work days, sick days, school holidays (12 weeks a year for which you still pay school fees). Nannies cost between 20 and 40 CHF per hour and most importantly it is not easy to find a person to whom you leave for the whole day your children, your house and your car while you are gone. Of course there are some amazing people and professionals out there, and we were blessed until now, but what an adventure to find them?

We are lucky to be able to afford this so that we can both have the choice and continue with our careers. But it is little wonder that a strikingly high number of mothers list costs as reason number one for deciding to take care of their kids themselves and stay at home, in many cases giving up to her aspirations and careers. Reason two and three being the pressure from the employer, from society, and of course from themselves. Yes, society. It was a family doctor in his 40s who told me with a grave voice “Why are you doing this to your family? Can you not just stay at home.” when I asked for vitamins as I was feeling slightly exhausted the first few months after my return, the lack of sleep, the weekly nursery bugs of my first baby and the long work days were tough.

Switzerland is an amazing country and we chose to stay here in Zurich instead of London, Milan, Frankfurt for example, because of the many advantages it offers. But one thing that this country is missing is realizing the potential of the many amazing talents who because of the above we are losing daily. While it is a great country for having a family for example, it is very far from being a good country for working mothers and fathers. Here a good article with stats about this.

After our first son was born, I returned to work after 5 months for 3 days a week for a short period of time, before going back to full time, we had a part-time nursery school and were positive that things would just work out fine. They do for some families, they didn`t for us. This first particular school we had in order to “stay competitive” accepted sick children, in some cases highly infectious children – the normal standard of care states that when visibly sick children should be sent home. This meant that my son hardly ever went to school as he was sick every other day, we paid for the nursery school to keep the place and we paid for a nanny who helped when he was sick to go to the school that weekly made him sick. An interesting loop. Until we cancelled the school and got stung with 3 months "exit fee" anyway although my son had been there 20% of the time while he was still enrolled. So nanny and family stepped in until our little man and his immune system were able to cope with the daily bombardment of nursery school germs.

Aware of the above and of the fact that this time I was going back to work full time, a few months before baby 2 came we started looking for a full time nanny who could take care of him the whole day for the first 14 months of life, until he would start nursery school. We made our choice and our new nanny started a few weeks after our second little boy was born. I was keen to have her with us during my maternity leave so that we could all get used to each other. Things worked, she was doing a very good job, the kids liked her and I felt in good hands. The plan was waterproof, older child in nursery school full time, 5 months baby at home with the nanny and family a few days a month when and if needed.

I went back to work on October 1st. On October 2nd I almost choked on my coffee while reading a text from our nanny, who was off that week as my family was with the kids, who asked if we could meet for coffee the next day.

I just knew. I have to say I totally understand her reasons and there is nothing none of us could have probably done differently. She was about to go back to the corporate world as had been offered a great job by a very good company. What can one say? Is there a prize for worst timing?

What was I supposed to do with my job and my baby? Our place at the nursery school would not be available until June, that was only ...8 months to go. I was now back at work, to a new job too, and had very little time to interview or “try” nannies. Once again one of our blessings, family, and a friend whom I cannot consider anything else than family, came in. But how many parents can rely so quickly on their families really? We will find a new nanny of course, but could timing have been worse? Why do many parents have to cope with and live in a constant house of cards when it comes to childcare?

To make things easier, within the first week of me going back, our then 5 months old baby started to:

- Wake up between 4 and 8 times a night (he had been a superb sleeper since birth and until then)

- Refuse formula (which we had often been given as a little top up and were now trying to increase)

- Demand milk the whole night and refuse it during the day (while I was away)

Only who has been there knows what it means to survive on little, interrupted sleep for months on end and try and perform at work and be on top of your life. It is a type of exhaustion, effort and pressure that cannot be explained. Thankfully, like everything else, you get used to it. Almost.

Everything beyond kids and work becomes secondary unfortunately. A particularly gifted journalist like Carolyn Hax, was  able to explain why parents really have little time and what they can do about it (guess?). Here is a great read.

However, I have now known for some time, while stressful, pressure can be good. In fact, pressure can be a privilege.

One of my favourite entrepreneurs, Mr Branson just wrote an illuminating post:

"The other day someone asked me how I deal with pressure. Without thinking over my response, I said that pressure is a privilege – which really is a great way to think positively and proactively about any challenge. When we are faced with exciting scenarios and situations, dealing with the stress that they bring can lead us to be more alert, alive and attentive. It can help to improve our performance."

"You need to balance high-pressure periods with plenty of time for rest, reflection and recuperation, or else you won’t be able to switch off and get perspective. This is partly why work-life balance and spending time away from the office is so important," he says.

"And remember: When the stakes are higher, the rewards are greater — and the journey is more enjoyable."

M.